i'm freaking out. another thirty bucks spend on medication.
bla..please i spend 100 bucks this month for seeing 3 different docs.. sob..
i jus want to sleep at night peacefully.
i jus wanna feel healthy.
wats wrong with me..
i dont feel like studying now. i even feel like dropping out
i'm so sick of studies
i am so failing behind
i dont want.
i jus wanna go out and have some fun


sighh..
yest was fun. met with huiling and qi at school. instead of studying for lit. we ended up talking abt Sims. i cant believe the 3 of us have such common interest. ha..
the whole conversation goes with how to kill your sims. we suggested stuffing its head down the toilet bowl and drown him to death. and i guess Huiling've the ambition of being a security guard which pays 500 per day. lol. i swear i'm so addicted to Sims. i want all the versions of it. i want to create my own perfect world to live in =)

Qi and i left early to shop at tm. nothing much to see so we ended up chatting abt our problems. yes. family. i dont know how things have turned out so badly. perhaps i already couldnt click with her. her hypocritical self. her so called perfection. is irritating. since she have forced me to this state. i might as well admit myself to fate. i believe she's not as happy as i can be. i dont wanna be in such a terrible state. i know u'll be mocking at me.

i didnt realise yang understand me so well. my little actions and decisions seems to be transparent to him. his words woke me up and caused those tears to fall. yes all i want for a better life for her. sometimes you believe you try so hard perhaps to give your parents a better life. but how she hurts me with her words her actions. my feelings - she so oblivious to it. i admit i am not better than the others. or her. but why blame me for my incompetence. i am only human.

yet sometimes like yesterday. her concerns i've never seen before. i suspect she heard me cried and my confession to my dear sis. i didnt know i could hate someone. or detest someone so close to me. both are my sisters. one i would do anything for her. the other i wish i never need to be close to her. i'm not cruel. i just seen things. i accept it like you did. how u used me. used my emotions. how you twist every situation to your benefit. take it. is alright. i dont mind anymore. i wont fight. bcos i wont be unfeeling to you. tell the whole world how bad i am. it doesnt matter. bcos they are ppl who are true will believe me.


that day my confession. my outburst. my dear sis was hurt. she soothe me with her words and her concern; "why didnt i know all this. why did you conceal all this. since when did it happen." later did she know i hide it for years. my hurts. i could no longer endure all this. why did death this thought come upon my mind. if not for what happened in this house. what- such a facade- bcos everything is based on only the appearance.. i detest it so much. i could almost kill myself so i would not live in it.